Pardon the random emo post, but an ENFP is blogging here. lol. Don't worry though, most of the stuff I blog here to encourage others- I apply to myself frequently too. It's just that I figured that (and I quote a GIG) "better out than in" =)
So, I finally have time to breathe after a hectic 3 months of emotional-mental-psychological stresses. And I realised that because I didn't have the time to actually process everything that was happening to me, I was becoming depressed again. (I HATE THAT so I forced myself to stop it) With all these sad stories of families and kids that I deal with, and the issues of my own personal life...it is easy to fall into that trap. But I refuse to allow myself to go down that road again.
Disclaimer: Read at own peril. More cathartis for me than anything else.
Because of the busyness of life, it literally took me the last 3 months (on and off whenever I could, in between work and attending to daddy) to grieve the loss of a relationship. Not to say that I had a lot of time in that said relationship as well (just barely a week) but being the ENFP that I am, I am more inclined to being sentimental and unrealistic in giving failed relationships up. (yes, it actually says that in the profile write up of my MBTI type. lol.) I am blessed though to have others walk this path before me, being told the same things about "their destinies being destroyed" and having to struggle with that word levelled at them; along with a lot of low blows delivered at me on the phone while someone I loved was in the hospital AND I called up to ask for forgiveness.
I think that the most ridiculous words I've ever heard about God's nature was said to me on the phone that night (omitted cause not worth repeating), along with the bold statement that this whole relationship "was just puppy love". I'm sorry that he said this relationship was just "based on impulse emotions" or that it was just puppy love, but it was not the case for me. I actually prayed through this. I was approached by random individuals over a year on separate occasions to tell me to consider him. I'm sorry that it was not the right time for him and that God wanted him to focus- these were points I could accept cause I knew it was his season to seek God. I CAN WAIT you know? But to tell a naive, hurting boy who was just rediscovering his relationship with God that our destinies would be destroyed if we were together? REALLY!?! How could you manipulate someone with fear?
I need to point out here that the notion of God's love, mercy and grace not being sufficient to correct our mistakes or directions in life were not considered when you told him that. Walking with the Lord all these years I know Him by one very important trait- "If we confess our sins, HE IS FAITHFUL and JUST and will FORGIVE us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" 1 John 1:9. Being in the line of work where redemption is the only hope for humanity, how could anyone KNOW what the future holds resolutely? No one knows. Have you assumed God's position? God gives us a measure of faith so that we may "work out our salvation". He doesn't give us specifics cause we still have to TRUST Him for it. That is what faith is- not knowing His will but trusting in His plans for our lives. "Faith is the substance of things HOPED for and the evidence of things UNSEEN."
As prophets and teachers, we will be judged by far higher standards WHEN we return to meet God face to face, this I agree. In this lifetime however, there is always the ability to CHOOSE, to DECIDE, to REPENT. And there is always His mercy and His grace. It is sufficient for us, His word says. How could you teach someone that judgment will fall because of the works of a person? Is that not judging someone for what you see that doesn't match YOUR standards? You have no idea what that person has had to live through. Jesus hung out with prostitutes and tax collectors, drunkards, blind, lame... the despised of His time. Please don't judge. You don't know. "Where there are prophecies, LOVE will cease"- every prophet knows this. So the words of the prophet should be left to the BODY to judge its accuracy; not to be blindly taken as an order from above. That is what the bible says "to encourage, to edify, to build up". There is not one supreme above the others. All are equal in the Kingdom and family of God.
I want to know- are YOU OKAY with me marrying someone else? Seeing me with someone else just because you didn't fight for me. Are you okay with seeing me having kids with someone else and doing all the things you said you'd do for me- with him? Would you be okay with that? Would you be okay with knowing that you were in the right place (maybe at the wrong time) to be able to make a decision that would have ended better? Would you be okay with all of that? If you are, then I would be too.
Anyway, the reason why I'm blogging today is because after these three months, I am in the second stage of grieving- the loss of a best friend. No, I can never hate him. I cannot even be angry at him anymore. I am angry at the METHOD of execution of ending BOTH the relationship and friendship at the same time over WHATSAPP and EMAIL. (seriously!?! after a year and a half of friendship, you thought it best to end things electronically!?!) sighs. After signing off with "your true friend" you all but vanish from my life. Knowing my dad was in hospital you did not bother to call, to visit- you were friends with MY FAMILY all this while too ok? It made things very clear to an ENFP- you don't treasure our friendship even though you said all those nice things at the end of the email about everything that I brought to your life.
Who had more to lose? I ASKED you repeatedly if you were sure. You answered me yes on all three times. I said that once you crossed certain boundaries as friends, there is no going back. I was honest with you throughout the whole process. I told you that you had to be sure cause man would try to break us up. I warned you! You said you knew and you knew and you knew.
Yet, when I asked you to meet up with me to talk things through when you ended it (twice), you abruptly cut me off by stating that you "had a covenant with God". Very good and very nice that you do, but what does that have to do with answering my unanswered questions? How do you expect me to be your friend in the future? You did not explain your sudden change of heart and actions to me and all but ex-communicated me from your life; like I was just some toy that was fun to play with for some time and then throw away.
It WAS SUDDEN- did you not think about it? Loving and in love on a tuesday night/ wednesday morning to silence on wednesday and a sudden change of tone on Thursday morning. And three days later, it was all over. ONE AND A HALF YEARS of friendship was thrown away in FOUR DAYS! I knew you well enough that the decision factors of your life must have kicked in. Focus at work being off, or your parents being unhappy with the way we were handling our relationship. What do you expect? It was new! We were learning how to adapt and adjust to the changes from friendship to relationship as well. It could have been worked out! I told you repeatedly to be careful with my heart. It is one of the things that I said to you and you knew as a best friend how it is with me. Yet, you treated me with NO RESPECT whatsoever and decided on YOUR OWN to end everything. Hello!?! Why do you think I was so mad at your words!?!
You said that we'd work things out together. REPEATEDLY. I don't know what kind of stressors you must have faced, but it sure didn't do you any good on the INTJ front. You reacted completely out of character and shocked my system crazy. I am sorry if I didn't know you well enough then, I tried- CONSTANTLY as a friend. The basic of any relationship foundation for me in this life- friendship. And you threw me out the door and out of your life.
I had no choice but to delete your messages, pictures, unfriend you on facebook, block you on whatsapp because I needed to move on. You didn't give me closure so I had to find it on my own- with God. I am not from the "Don't ask, don't tell" culture; I told you straight up that when I say I love someone it is regardless. It doesn't change with time, it doesn't change with situation. This was the first time in my life that I had to make decisions that almost killed me as an ENFP. To cut you out of my life so that I could move on. It hurt. It still hurts. You don't know what I had to go through after you wrote me those words to end everything.
By the way "Let God restore our friendship" takes action. MEN take action. You LEAD men. You know what it is like. God can restore the hearts of men, but you GOTTA ACTUALLY MOVE FOR RESTORATION TO HAPPEN. I told you repeatedly that I would let you lead. That hasn't changed. I am not changing my words just because you changed your mind suddenly.
A friend of mine said that I would not consider another romantic relationship with someone for another year. lol. Another friend said I would not consider meeting you for another four years. LOL. It seems pretty apt these time lines, but we never know. Like I said- I believe that every believer has a choice. They get promises from the Lord, but I would never manipulate, ORDER, or say that "the lord says" because I fear the One who can destroy my soul. As a believer and as a prophetess I will never make someone decide between me and God. This is why I always say "I think this is what God is saying" or "I think I saw this" cause if it is wrong, I can be corrected. But when someone gives you a directive, disobeying that directive only gives you a choice between accepting their word as law and/ or as the compass for your life versus rejecting them.
I DO miss you. But you are not mine. You never were, you still aren't now. Before we even started anything, God had already asked me to surrender you way before anything was ever started between us- and I did. I still make it my choice to surrender you and let go every single day. I told you that I learnt to be consistent in Him. You belong to Him and I pray that His truth sets you free. There is great freedom in walking in Love, great freedom in knowing the true character of God- but even then, these are not my lessons to teach you. Only He can do so. No matter what life takes you through though, there are no excuses for not seeking God for YOURSELF and hearing His voice FOR YOURSELF. Not from others and not to just "obey blindly" the orders that you receive. You're a thinking soldier. I hope you do so.
-end of rant-
Okay, I honestly feel a lot better now. Officially, now I am just excited at what God will bring into my life from now on. I am anticipating the day in which I can throw my arms open wide to the starry night skies and have the right man of God for my life beside me doing the same. In worship and praise to the King who has kept us alive and well, given us a common mission and vision to see His Kingdom come in this world. (secret missions. lol. have it written on my heart)
To laugh and joke and be ourselves before the Lord. To pray and sing praises to Him in the full entirety of our hearts. I am awaiting that day when I can smile at him and say from the bottom of my heart- "thank you for pursuing me, for waiting for me, for fighting for me. For daring to tell the world that I'm now yours and that the work that God has for our lives is great". I want to be able to tell him "thank you for believing in me, in us, in our future together. thank you for loving my family and friends. thank you for leading me in this adventure called life."
A great man of God is coming into my life. I will keep spending time with the One who is alive and speaking today until the day I can turn my life's reins over to a human being to lead me in my walk with Him. I am anticipating this strong and courageous one. I am truly excited for the great things to come. I have seen it in the lives of others around me. Cause the word of the Lord says that He will not take us to lesser, only Greater. =)
Okay Lord, NOW my heart is ready for You. ^_^ Let's go! <3
Most people are far more prone to let the bad experiences shape their views than the good ones. --Rick Joyner
We say, then, to anyone who is under trial, give Him time to steep the soul in His eternal truth. Go into the open air, look up into the depths of the sky, or out upon the wideness of the sea, or on the strength of the hills that is His also; or, if bound in the body, go forth in the spirit; spirit is not bound. Give Him time and, as surely as dawn follows night, there will break upon the heart a sense of certainty that cannot be shaken. --Amy Carmichael
The world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it. --Helen Keller
The only cure for grief is action. -- George Henry Lewes
It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust. -- Samuel Johnson
You may never know that JESUS is all you need, until JESUS is all you have. --Corrie Ten Boom
It is highly significant, and indeed almost a rule, that moral courage has its source in identification through one's own sensitivity with the suffering of one's fellow human beings. --Rollo May
Life's unfairness is not irrevocable; we can help balance the scales for others, if not always for ourselves. --Hubert Humphrey
If God seems to be in no hurry to make the problem of evil go away, maybe we shouldn't be, either. Maybe our compulsion to wash God's hands for him is a service he doesn't appreciate. Maybe – all theodicies and nearly all theologians to the contrary -- evil is where we meet God. Maybe he isn't bothered by showing up dirty for his dates with creation. Maybe -- just maybe -- if we ever solved the problem, we'd have talked ourselves out of a lover. --Robert Farrar Capon
In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer.-- Albert Camus
No man knows till he has suffered from the night how sweet and dear to his heart and eye the morning can be. --Bram Stoker
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? --Kahlil Gibran
The breaking of the alabaster box and the anointing of the Lord filled the house with the odor, with the sweetest odor. Everyone could smell it. Whenever you meet someone who has really suffered; been limited, gone through things for the Lord, willing to be imprisoned by the Lord, just being satisfied with Him and nothing else, immediately you scent the fragrance. There is a savor of the Lord. Something has been crushed, something has been broken, and there is a resulting odor of sweetness. --Watchman Nee
The will of God is never exactly what you expect it to be. It may seem to be much worse, but in the end it's going to be a lot better and a lot bigger. --Elisabeth Elliot
Pain is never permanent. --Teresa of Avila
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