I was made to praise You

"I was made to praise You
I was made to glorify Your name
In every circumstance
To find a chance to thank You
I was made to love You
I was made to worship at Your feet
And to obey You Lord
I was made for You."

Sitting in the ward alongside daddy as he heals is an amazing process for me. I learnt about what the body is able or unable to do without assistance, I learnt about blood and I learnt about life.


No matter what the circumstance, no matter what the situation, you learn something about God and the lessons He is teaching you.


The first thing I learnt about gangrene is that it starts small, it grows quietly...but untreated it can flare up and consume a part of the body. Just like unforgiveness.


It starts small, something that was done wrong to you or someone has violated you...if not forgiven of... Can grow. To constantly think about the wrongs that has been done to you by man (and in most human cases, the blame goes to God) can only cause wounds to fester in the system, until it consumes and overtakes a part of your life.


Unforgiveness is as toxic to the system as gangrene is to the physical body. So choosing forgiveness is like medicine to the soul.


I type this lesson because of the harrowing two weeks of emotional pain I put myself through. But when you are faced with the prospect of love and freedom, that choice comes easily. Choose life and life more abundantly.


Miracles DO happen, daily I see my dad gain strength, his foot regain a bit of colour from pitch black and his life flood with more hope in the Lord.


Daily I examine myself the same way as doctors look after their patients. I look for what can cause "sicknesses" and "diseases" in my spirit and soul and get rid of it before anything can flare up on me and before the enemy can gain a foothold in my life. 


"It is finished." ^_^

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Women of Faith

I'm trading my sorrows
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the Joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down for the Joy of the Lord


Chorus:
And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I'm pressed but not crushed,
persecuted not abandoned.
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure
And His joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning!!


I thank God for girlfriends in God. Honestly having the best kind of support ever in this crazy September month and I am amazed at the God we serve. =)


I was reminded tonight to really REJECT the accusations of the enemy and to really CHOOSE who to listen to: condemnation and rejection or freedom and acceptance.


It is true dearest sister- we have LIVED through this life with Jesus. We KNOW who He is. We are still living with Him in our lives. In celebrations or in crises, I know Who You are! You are a good God. ^_^


You are a God Who provides, Who heals, Who brings Joy and strength. I know this because I have experienced it! I have LIVED it. 


Whoever you choose to listen to, therefore really determines your destiny. Whether you choose life or death is really up to you cause the bible says that "Faith cometh about by hearing and hearing the Word of the Lord." 


Things can so easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy; i.e. instead of standing and living this life by pure faith. God gives us promises so that we may STAND on them and hope for the future. It is what builds faith and perseverance. 


Lord, I trust you with my life. No matter what. =)


And I am so thankful for Your presence in my life. I cannot live without You.

People need the Lord

Sitting in a hospital waiting for news makes me realise a couple of things:

1. NUH is a place of contrasts. The place is alive with young, eager doctors and nurses, smiley filippinos and people who love their jobs, especially in the C class wards (they didn't have a bed for him in another ward, so he's in the 8 bedder one). This is in direct contrast to the emergency ward where energy and stress levels are really high. Pain and hurt is etched everywhere and stuff just is gruesome in there. I saw four car accident patients in the time I was waiting for my dad to be warded...it ain't pretty.

2. Kopitiam is STILL the center of activity. Hahaha. Singaporeans. Seriously. I see the happiest faces here. Young kids eating ice kacang, families sharing a meal or doctors having their first meal getting off their shift. ^_^

3. Life is precious. Live it with the people who mean something to you. Don't wait to tell the people you love that you love them. It is the simple truth, that when you're faced with death- all the things that seemed so important lose their shine and all the things that you didn't seem to find important or beautiful take precedence in our lives. Like family and loved ones. No one thinks about the flatscreen TV they just bought or the work they have left in their offices, or the quarrels they started with someone else... they think of the people they love. And because I keep telling you guys that I DO LOVE YOU, I have no regrets in this life. ^_^

All the operating theatres happen to be on the same floor and the feelings of people waiting in the different sectors of the building is completely different, which I noted here.

I saw anguish in the faces of family members of cardiac arrest patients for not being able to spend more time with their loved one or for not saying "I love you" enough. A little girl just kept saying "I love you, daddy" over and over and over to herself.

I saw fear while people waited for news and results of surgery. The very basic human emotions surface at this time. Fear- love- anger.

But what I saw the most was Hope. People had no choice but to place their hope in the hands of the doctors and nurses they had submitted themselves to for care.

How apt then that I had a glimpse of my situation here. I have hope because I trust that my Father is the One in control, the subject matter expert, the One who knows what He is doing even when everything (and sometimes, everyone) around me seems crazy.

I have hope because I KNOW who I serve. He has never failed me and He never will.

I have hope because be it life or death, my life is in His hands- He is in charge.

Queen Esther's challenge and her triumph was this- that she loved not her life until the death and even when she had to face afflictions in a visible position in society, she submitted to the hand of the Lord in her life. She surrendered her life to the Lord. It is still the challenge that God issues to me everyday. "Gather all the people to fast and pray for me for three days, let them not eat or drink. At the end of those three days, I will go to the King unsummoned and against protocol. And if I perish, I perish."

She was an unbelievably gutsy and strong woman, to defy protocol and the laws of her time, to risk her life to speak on behalf of her people before the king. To stand firm for her beliefs... I believe I was named for the very same reason- to learn to surrender, to trust in the blueprint that God has for my life, to acknowledge that God is my all in all.  Although I face crazy situations (a lot, you have no idea), I have a strange and deep peace that passes all understanding and a grand hope for life.

These three weeks have been absolutely crazy for me. I think I have experienced the widest form of human emotions ever possible in the shortest period of time. But if I am able to showcase even a tiny fraction of the Love of God, the Hope I have in Him and the Faith that moves mountains to someone else who is suffering, to a believer who needs faith and to a pre-believer who knows that it is truly impossible to survive without God in my life...then I have done the best I could ever have done on this earth. I have shone for my King, I have lived for my Jesus and I have won His heart.

^_^ Dearest ones reading this, whom I love so very much, there is truly no other way to live than in the arms of His embrace. Every way else is just a shadow of the real thing- Jesus Christ is the real deal. In celebrations and in crisis, people will be looking at you for a glimpse of the Jesus that you talk about. <3

 Psalm 34: 19 "Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all." ^_^

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Orphans of God

Who here among us has not been broken
Who here among us is without guilt or pain
So oft’ abandoned by our transgressions
If such a thing as grace exists
Then grace was made for lives like this

There are no strangers
There are no outcasts
There are no orphans of God
So many fallen, but hallelujah
There are no orphans of God

Come ye unwanted and find affection
Come all ye weary, come and lay down your head
Come ye unworthy, you are my brother
If such a thing as grace exists
Then grace was made for lives like this

O blessed Father, look down upon us
We are Your children, we need Your love
We run before Your throne of mercy
And seek Your face to rise above



Dear Lord,


I need You in my life so badly right now.


"My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."


Whatever can be shaken in my life has been shaken these few weeks. 


But Lord, once again, I surrender them to you- my family, my career and my relationships. 


Papa, please restore Your health and healing to my household once again. Please look after my parents and my siblings. 


Holy Spirit, please lead me in my work and surround me with Your Favour. 


And Lord Jesus, please mend my heart completely and bring me to greater heights with You. 


Everything in Your time and everything in Your will, Lord God. 


But "at all times I will bless You, His praise will be in my mouth." and "In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God concerning you in Christ Jesus." 


Papa, I will bear these trials in joy. Because You are completing a good work in me. 


Teach me humility, teach me Your ways of peace and joy, above all- teach me Your Love. 


"Create in me a clean heart O God and renew a right spirit within me."


I need You once again, cause Lord, without Your Presence in my life- I am helpless and there is nothing I can do. 


"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who Hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings as eagles, they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint."


I stand on Your word and promises to me and my family today. Because "God is not a man that he should lie,  nor a son of man that He should change His mind. Has He said and will He not do it? Or has He spoken and will He not make it good?" 


Lord, I place my trust in You because "Your word does not return to You void".  

Audience of One

I am so glad I have you in my life GIG, you keep me accountable and help me fall in love with our deepest Love again and again. Thank you for the reminders. <3

MUSIC MINISTRY: SONG BLAST!!!! ^_^  (hahaha. can be a christian radio dj already at this rate)

I love these moments of worship and quiet times with God. I did not realise how much I miss Him. So very much. Welcome to songs that helped me out of my gender identity conflict of 2001-2004. lol...(the first two are very "guy" sounding, I know) But I like!!!! Thank God for men of worship. They lead us women towards seeking the face of God.

Audience of One- Big Daddy Weave


Cry out to Jesus- Third Day


Only in Your Presence- Lakewood Church (I was there!)


Through it all- Hillsongs (My life anthem)

Everything to me

Time alone with Papa yields amazing results. 


I turned my heart over to the Lover of my soul; someone who is craving time spent together with me as I with Him. I missed His presence soooooo much. Too many things had cluttered my heart and my thoughts for me to realise that His question "Esther, where are you?" was a desperate plea to come home to Him. 


*chills* no one will ever love us or speak to us the way He does and this spiritual, soulish and physical intimacy that I feel in the presence of the Lord and Saviour of my life is something I will not give up ever again. I will guard this fiercely all the way through time and into the future. Holy Spirit help me. 


To have a living relationship with Christ demands our all, but also gives us the greatest freedoms in life. I don't have to worry about my family, my career, how to make money, how to buy a house or car, or even maintaining a relationship. LOL. I just have to yield. I guess that the weekend with God back in July was not enough. 


He was asking for more of me. And I realise it now. I am so... immature. There is so much for me to learn. I had let pride in the giftings and lessons He taught me earlier on in life cloud His voice in my life. And I need to remind myself- without Him I am nothing. He is the true vine and I am only "grafted in". In my times of refreshing with the Lord, I had realised how hypocritical I was and truly if I had acted the way Jesus would've and not just reacted out of my emotions, pain and hurt... things would not have turned out the way they did. Sighs. I really need to learn to keep a lid on things- temper, mental hygiene, even spiritual hygiene. 


There is so much for me to learn. Truly, "THE BEST OF LIFE FOR ME IS SIMPLY AT YOUR FEET". 


I apologise in advance if I do not respond to your texts, emails, whatsapps, tweets, facebook messages and wall posts as quickly as I have before. I hope you understand friends- I am deliriously caught up in spending time with my Lover and I can't miss Him for the world. ^_^


Things have always gone or been a certain way for me. But now, you'll find that He is truly captivating my life- in more ways than one. <3

My Destiny

‎"Sometimes pain is necessary for us to feel that we're alive. it reminds us that there was good, which has now turned bad. but the potential for that bad to turn into better comes with deciding to let the current pain shape our decisions and eventually, our future.

The heart unfortunately, bears most of that pain in our lives...but it's also your heart, when healed, that is able to bring out the beauty in another's; which has probably also felt much pain before meeting yours."


In my process of healing, I went through a lot of thoughts. Namely, guilt; shame, anger...self-blame...


I found myself thinking if I really was THAT unworthy of you for you to have changed your mind 180 degrees in ONE day and in four days, ex-communicate me from your life. Was I a poison, a disease, a virus, a plague, a temptress, a seductress that required you to "flee from me" completely? You had said we should bear these things TOGETHER. The consequences of our decisions together; but felt that I was unworthy of defending and fighting for you to throw me overboard so quickly. 


I was sinking lower as I thought through these things. "My best friend thought these to be true of me." He thought that I was not worthy of fighting for. Not worthy of cherishing, of keeping his  promises to  me. Not worthy of respect or honour. Not even worthy of the simple act of meeting up face to face to explain why he changed so drastically in a day. What had I done? 


Was everyone I prayed with WRONG? Was I WRONG in hearing the voice of God? Were EVERY SINGLE intercessor and prophet in my life WRONG? Were my parents WRONG? Was I WRONG? 


This was the first time I got disciplined by the Holy Spirit directly. I heard His fierce "NO!" He had showed up again in my room, with His sword drawn and in full military regalia- He looked at me with tears in His eyes and said simply "I LOVE YOU" 


Psalm 139 talks about one of the most intimate moments our creator has ever known- creating us and knowing us while we were unformed in our mother's womb. This is something that has resounded in me since then. "I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and my soul knows full well"


It is amazing to be loved. And loved so deeply from the depths of your being that you know your future and destiny is bright in the Lord. He erases all self-doubts from your soul. He lifts you up to new heights, he teaches us how to walk on water in the worst weather conditions. And...He renews His covenant with me as I sought Him in my pain. 


Queen Esther's covenant is simply this- Favour. And as I sought the Lord once again for His reassurance and strength, He answered me. He promised me "double for my trouble". =) And He is indeed more than what any man or friend can ever be to me in this life. 


Isaiah 61- The Year of the Lord's favour

 ¹The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;
 ²To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;
 ³To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.
 ⁴And they shall build the old wastes, they shall raise up the former desolations, and they shall repair the waste cities, the desolations of many generations.
 ⁵And strangers shall stand and feed your flocks, and the sons of the alien shall be your plowmen and your vinedressers.
 ⁶But ye shall be named the Priests of the LORD: men shall call you the Ministers of our God: ye shall eat the riches of the Gentiles, and in their glory shall ye boast yourselves.
 ⁷For your shame ye shall have double; and for confusion they shall rejoice in their portion: therefore in their land they shall possess the double: everlasting joy shall be unto them.
 ⁸For I the LORD love judgment, I hate robbery for burnt offering; and I will direct their work in truth, and I will make an everlasting covenant with them.
 ⁹And their seed shall be known among the Gentiles, and their offspring among the people: all that see them shall acknowledge them, that they are the seed which the LORD hath blessed.
 ¹⁰I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for he hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decketh himself with ornaments, and as a bride adorneth herself with her jewels.
 ¹¹For as the earth bringeth forth her bud, and as the garden causeth the things that are sown in it to spring forth; so the Lord GOD will cause righteousness and praise to spring forth before all the nations.

My stand still remains, if I have to remain single to serve the Lord in my lifetime, so be it. If I get married, so be it. But I knew for sure when I entered that relationship with you. I had the confirmations from 11 double-bind tests from separate individuals on separate occasions (only 2 are needed in the medical and scientific world; and I had 11- some even with you and what YOU yourself said). But now that the decision has been made, I will not turn back anymore; I am resolute. God is capable of rewriting our destinies- every time a backslider comes back to the Lord, their destinies become renewed; their destinies are not destroyed.That is because of His mercy, love and grace on our lives- that is the law of liberty. He will look after mine. I surrender it to Him and I will not try to write it on my own. No man can write or rewrite, divine or predict their own destinies, only Papa God can. 


And there is no way that man will ever be able to destroy another person's destiny, unless they walk separately from the true vine. "I am the vine and you are the branches, if any man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit, apart from me, he can do nothing." The bible is so clear about these things and so I am assured."You will know them by their fruits." It would have hurt so much less if you had given me a human reason first. "Hey Esther, I don't like you and I am unsure of how this relationship will pan out." or "My parents don't like you and they think you are unacceptable." or "I don't think you're good enough for me."  I would've been able to deal with all of that, not starting a message with "Jesus says no"


Yes, I created a mess (with you) but we could have, should have worked it out TOGETHER. Love is not a word to be played around with. It is the most powerful concept in the whole kingdom of God. It is what binds us together in Christ and at the same time frees us in God's new covenant with us as Christians.


But He has turned my mourning into dancing again and my sorrow into joy. ^_^ After the rain comes the sunshine. The natural order of things ensures that there is hope in this lifetime. =) 




"For where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is LIBERTY" and He gave us free will to be able to choose the course we should take in life. He never imposes His will or forces us through guilt towards a target. I thank God that despite all the things thrown at me, "because of grace, because of Your mercy, I stand here unashamed."   





I have not much
To offer You
Not near what You deserve
But still I come
Because Your cross
Has placed in me my worth

Oh, Christ my King
Of sympathy
Whose wounds secure my peace
Your grace extends
To call me friend
Your mercy sets me free

And I know I'm weak
I know I'm unworthy
To call upon Your name
But because of grace
Because of Your mercy
I stand here unashamed

I can't explain
This kind of love
I'm humbled and amazed
That You'd come down
From heavens heights
And greet me face to face

Here I am at Your feet
In my brokeness complete

Joy will come (taxi testimonies)

"and the month which was turned unto them from sorrow to joy, and from mourning into a good day: that they should make them days of feasting and joy" - Esther 9:22


He shall pray unto God, and he will be favourable unto him: and he shall see his face with joy: for he will render unto man his righteousness. 
-Job 33:26


But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee.
-Psalm 5:11


Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.
-Psalm 6:11

"There is healing in Your wings" ^_^ I never thought I'd heal this fast or this quickly. But it is a testimony to a good God that we serve. 


I asked God if condemnation and judgment was really mine to bear in this season. (and then moped around for half a day) but then...as you know me; I always ask God for His fingerprints. 


Many of you know my story of the Mercedes cabs. In Singapore we have different kinds of taxis but I have always thought that the white ones were the prettiest. Just a personal kind of sign between me and God about purity and ministry. LOL. In July when God gave me the covenant of Queen Esther, He gave me a credit card that I could charge up to the max in Heaven (amie, ryan, tai wei, gladys, david, ephraim who were there knows this). So as usual, I would demand of God. =) 

After the ministry trip to Indonesia with daddy, I asked God to confirm to me if He would be with me always, and since we were in the taxi queue, I asked Him to prove it to me by sending me a mercedes cab; since the queue had none. I guess God likes challenges cause He issued one right back "Sure. But you have to trust me and not look behind you." hahahaha. *challenge issued and challenge accepted* 


Of course it's not easy and of course I was tempted to peek. (I didn't) when it got to us, there were still different kinds of cabs and no others. But, as we walked towards the empty bay to wait for the cab, I saw a flash of white. LOL! My God of the 11th hour prevaileth! hahaha. 


In the same way too, last Monday, on amie's birthday I asked God to prove that He heard my prayers about "love covering over a multitude of sins" and that my sins were made as white as snow. But since I was picking up amie's birthday cake, I was late. I thought to myself "oh well...since I'm late I might as well arrive in style." and asked God for a mercedes cab to pick me up from the Tropics Atrium of suntec. Those of you who ever queued there for a cab know that you can see cabs from a mile away. And when it came to my turn there were no taxis. Nada. Zero. Zilch. 


I was beginning to become fidgety. I had a cake that was melting in a box and my friends were waiting for me. I was about to cross over to the main road to flag a cab myself when... I saw a flash of white. LOL!!!! God heard me again.


Yesterday (a week later) I took a bus to work from my house (first time trying out this new route and bus number) and got off at the wrong bus stop. Which made me hopelessly lost in an area I am not familiar with. Ulu ubi. hahaha. Great. I was on a quiet road with no cars, one bus number on it and most certainly no cabs. 


So I took the time to talk to God and formulate a plan. I was going to be late for my meeting with my boss and colleagues. So I prayed "Lord, if you have indeed pardoned all my sins and 'O King, if I have found favour in Your sight' and You hear my requests, please send me a taxi to get me to work." 


Okay, so this time I didn't ask specifically for a mercedes taxi. lol. But...I saw a flash of white as I said "amen". I was thinking to myself "NO WAY, is it too good to be true?" So a secret passcode I immediately asked God to confirm if this was Him was to get uncle to answer me "I know the way, do no worry."


I told the uncle "sorry uncle, but I am not familiar with this place. I need to get to the vertex for a meeting in ten minutes. how?"


and he answered me "I know the way, do no worry." the exact words. *tears came to my eyes*


This is not the end of the story, but my colleague and I had to hop skip jump to another location at the end of our meeting and we had been waiting for the bus for quite some time, when he suddenly turned to me and said "let's fly instead."  I was giving him the "like what!?!" look when he suddenly said. "Spread your wings and fly." 


"What are you talking about?" I asked. "You, my dear are made for greater and better things than the ordinary. Spread your wings and fly." And I did, jokingly- I stuck my hands out...and a mercedes cab pulled up (again). 


My colleague was grinning like mad and we took the cab to our next meeting. All the while, I was crying tears of joy and relief  that flooded my heart. I am under His covenant of Love and freedom. He heard me. One single human being. One undeserving woman. One child.


God hears us. God restores us. God heals. God is my provider. God is my protector. God is my defence. God is my shield. God is my victory. God is my Lover. And through You my heart screams "I AM FREE!"

Give thanks

"In everything give thanks for this is the will of God concerning you in Christ Jesus".

I am glad I spent time with the family in prayer and long walks last night. It reinforced my perspective that God is a good God. And that no matter what the sin, "Love covers over a multitude of sin." People should just never do it again after repenting. It is like returning to vomit. Thinking about sin over and over and over again also is like rehearsing the acid reflux function and incredibly unhealthy. Hahaha.

Thank you amie for faithfully calling to check up on me. Yes, I am in pain. 2 and a half days of crying still seems like it is not enough...BUT! I have a hope and a future. ^_^ and your love and support. I have the love and support of so many others as well that i started crying because I could feel the love of God and it trumped the pain.

The bible verse on my phone this morning was 1 Cor 4-6. Where God was reminding me about waiting on Him again. But God also used it to chastise me for not practicing what I preach. "it is not rude, not self seeking..." yup. I wasn't being fair to him nor sensitive to how he must be feeling right now.

It is HIS choice to take up the cross and leave me...and I have no right to make any demands on him. That is love. It is sacrifice. It is believing in another person (always trusts) and giving him the room to grow (always protects - his identity as a person) It is letting go. =)

In this time I have been reassured of God's great love for me. Which were his prayers for me but also through the lives of the friends in my life. The emails, messages, whatsapps, facebook posts are amazing. Really what you sow you do reap back, albeit in God's timing.

I am an open book and the pages of my life will be read by people both in my joys and in my sorrows. Lifestyle evangelism is this- people will look to how you respond, both in times of celebration as well as in times of crisis. I volunteered for the job. I volunteered to be transparent before God and man. And I cannot complain that I wasn't forewarned of its costs or what it demands of me. Total and complete surrender to the will and call of God.

I decided that today will be a new chapter in my life. I am free to be in my season of perfumes and cosmetics by cutting you free from my soul and letting you go. "The Joy of the Lord is my strength."

You chose this road and I cannot complain of any injustice or unfairness (although Papa God spoke to me about 1 Sam 24:12 and I asked him for mercy) that has been given me. I wished that you had fought for me...I really do. To have sought the Lord and not feel the weight of the guilt and the sin that we had committed to be able to fight for me, for us...you had signs given to you too- 100m above sea level, "confidence for the future", spiritual connections that we tested in ipoh and singapore, when praying with moses and xu tong you said that you were not meant to be alone that you and I were meant to be ministering together... Being soulmates meant that you would fight, you gave me that assurance. I don't know what you must've faced and struggled through to feel so condemned while seeking God...And well...although you didn't fight for me, I understand.

I don't understand everything, but I understand enough...knowing you and how, like me, every little thing holds significance and almost everything reminds me of you and the time we had together as friends- not even lovers. I still dream about you and the dreams are vivid and colourful, beautiful and bright...It is difficult. It will be difficult for sometime more...But "at all times I will bless Him, His praise will be in my mouth." I thank God for you being in my life. And God is my warrior, my protector and defender- not you. Do not worry.

I know we are not communicating, but I pray if you have the chance to read this, know that you already found your source of joy in this great trial- His name is Jesus Christ and all the physical, emotional and financial blessings you have were GIVEN to you because He loved you.

In His Great love, as always.

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Character flaws

Didn't think I would blog so soon again.


But realised through this situation that I have severe character flaws that God is still working on. 


Pride- I took a position of haughtiness instead of humility when speaking and/ or writing to someone as if I knew everything and everyone. "Judge not that ye be not judged, for with the same measure that you measure out, it shall be measured back to you." I should have abased myself, at any and all costs. 


Feeling like I was entitled to my rights or pride, or woman's dignity; when in actual fact- I'm not. 


Unbridled tongue- I slandered a woman of God who had never done me any wrong out of my spitefulness and anger. And now the Holy Spirit is all  over me to call her, confess my sin and ask her for forgiveness. Oh BITE DOWN on your tongue will you, Esther? 


Wrath- anger that burned over and I did not keep a lid on it; this is what blinded me to the first two points above. Sighs. 


Fatal flaws that will not help in ministry at all. Too hot to be used for good. 


The word of God is a two-edged sword- 1 Samuel 24:12 "The Lord judge between you and me, and may the Lord avenge me on you; but my hand shall not be against you." 


He was right. God is our judge. 
I have no right to do that. 

Hiatus Notice

Dear friends and loved ones,

as you can see, I am experiencing a time of terrible personal trial.

I will be on hiatus from blogging on this site until I have mended sufficiently on my own time with God.

Please continue to pray for me. It is one of the most difficult times of my life right now. 

But rest assured that I know who I am in God. It's just my emotions and thoughts that need catching up with this heart knowledge. 

I will return with more stories of victory, healing and love soon. Thank you for keeping me. 

Love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for

I started out with this song...




I wasn't created to live this life alone
Made for Your glory I am not my own
Lord Your strength is made perfect in me
So I'll boast in the weakness I see

I am helpless helpless
And my heart is crying out for You
Jesus without Your presence
There is nothing I can do
I'm helpless without You

Lord in myself I am not enough
I need Your Spirit fill me with Your love
All I am and all that I do
Means nothing at all without You


But as I listened to the CD, I became freer. LOL!  I honestly was overcome with the fact that... I am OKAY! (after crying out buckets and buckets of tears while texting though)


That only means one thing, which both shocked and surprised me- GOD IS THE CENTER OF MY LIFE! hahahaha. And I am secure. I am free. Because "perfect love casteth out all fear" 


Everything that God was teaching me was in lead up to this moment! HALLELUJAH!





I know Lord Your plan for me is right
I need You to fulfill
Your purpose in my life
I submit to You my King
Be my everything
I'm coming to You again
Lord here I am

I surrender I surrender
Lord I surrender my life
Give it all to You
I surrender I surrender
Lord I surrender my life
Give it all to You

Humble and broken I come to You
I'm trusting and waiting
To see what You will do
Lord You know what's best
And at Your feet I find my rest
I'm coming to You again
Lord here I am

I surrender I surrender
Lord I surrender my life
Give it all to You
I surrender I surrender
Lord I surrender my life Give it all to You



I really have surrendered! hahahaha. He REALLY is number one!!! ^_^ Oh joy that my soul knowesth this right well!!!! My 100% was hugging me while I typed this. This is surreal. Lord Jesus, I love you. <3


"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love I am a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to the hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. 


Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it is not does boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 


Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues they will be stilled; where there is knowledge it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 


And now these three things remain; faith, hope and love. But the greatest of this is love."


"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." - Proverbs 4:23


"And the peace of God that passes all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ." - Philippians 4:6-8


"Love is not a place to come and go as we please. It's a house we enter in and then commit to never leave. So lock the door behind you and throw away the key. We'll work it out together, let it bring us to our knees. 


To some, love is a word that they can fall into. When they're falling out, keeping that word is hard to do. Love will come to save us if we'll only call. He will ask nothing from us but demand we give our all. 


Love is a shelter in a raging storm and love brings peace in the middle of a war. And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door. No, Love is not a fight, but it's 
something worth fighting for. I will fight for you, will you fight for me? It's worth fighting for."- Warren Barfield (Love is not a fight, Fireproof)

Lessons learned

WARNING: long blog post ahead.


LOL! Hi loves, haven't blogged a lot or indepth lately, lots going on. Thanks for asking how I am and what's been going on in my life. Nothing's changed but everything's changed at the same time. (Same same but different.)


As all of you know I have an intimate Love relationship with God. It is the daily bread that sustains me through this life. He is my One and All, my compass and my guide. My bestest best friend in the whole world is the Holy Spirit, the first one whom I greet each morning and the last one I say goodnight to.


That being said, after 23 years of my life. I find myself in another kind of love relationship. With a man of God whom I love deeply and who loves me the same. The story of how God brought us together is truly amazing and I pray that we will be able to share it with you all one day.


For now, I will blog about myself (as I always have) and by being transparent in my dealings with God and people- I am being accountable to God, my family (who have this blog link) and you my dearest friends, all around the world.


Confession


After living a life that has (for most of it) been single. I am finding it a bit hard and weird in making the transition. One of the first things I noticed for myself is the loss of independence. Which is something I have always valued. It's not like it's a big change I have always spent time with him and talked with him, but as the bible says: To the woman he said, "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." Gen 3:16


As a redeemed child of the most high God, I know I am not subjected to this curse, but in my basal human state, I  can fall into desiring of my love rather than the Love of my life. And that, is wrong. It took my love to remind me that God should be the number 1 and the center of everything for me to get off the cloud 9 of emotions and feelings and think about it- we started BECAUSE of God. We were put together BECAUSE of God and we should be living as a couple BECAUSE of God. 


Obsession


I awoke this morning with the thought that the Trinity is all I've ever had and all I ever needed. He is the Lover of my soul, the possessor of my secrets, the director of my life and He holds my future in His hands. Everything else is a bonus. I have been and will always be happy and content because He saw me first, he formed me and called me wonderfully and fearfully made. He has proven His word to me as truth. His presence is ALIVE in me. His hand prints are all over my life. There are somethings in this life that I would never have survived, without His intervention. 


I still want to see His face the most. I want His power in my life. Not a life that is flat-lined and simple and boring but adventurous and full of His romance. I expect no less from the King of the universe. 


That being said, a human relationship fills the void of physical contact with the King of kings. I honestly didn't have the time to think things through cause everything started so fast and furiously. My family being restored, this relationship and then my job. (In the exact order that I asked God and all within DAYS of each other) Who says God doesn't answer prayer? We just have to be ready. 


I was spiritually and emotionally high. Which led to a series of mistakes that I forgot to guard against. 


1. I forgot to guard his heart
I'm so sorry my love. I know better than to have done this to you. We should have talked out everything before pushing you to say or do anything that you would not normally be comfortable about, or cause your productivity level to drop or or to distract your thoughts away from what was important about our relationship- our mission to serve God and our families. 


This is my fault because I knew it, I just didn't think. 


Which is an ENFP's weakness...thinking...lol. something that I've gotten accustomed to while at work- my business side of me that is focused and thinks of my SWOT..I didn't apply to us. I should have. 


2. I forgot my Lover


As a girl, and all of you girls can empathise with this, we see rainbows, stars, clouds, hearts and birds flying around once we fall in love.


I forgot to slow it down. I forgot to ask the Lover of my soul to take the lead. I forgot to pray in His presence daily. I was adulterous. I forgot the ONLY ONE who has brought me through all 23 years of my life so far until He had to cry. And when your soul experiences that, it hurts from the depths of your being until you feel like you've died a thousand times and still have not been released from grief. 


I forgot you. "Forgive us of our trespasses even as we forgive others of their trespasses. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. For thine is the Kingdom, the Power and the Glory forever and ever."


Leadership
It was interesting that when I Googled leadership, this came out- "A process of influencing others to accomplish the mission, inspiring their commitment and improving the organisation." replete with explanations for each section of the mission. 


God has been asking me for the reigns of leadership in my life. All of you know I am an incredibly strong person in terms of working and family life...(I've had to deal with all my family emergencies all the time, including one minor one today. LOL. Thank God that He provides) Being incredibly strong can also translate to being incredibly strong-headed, strong-willed, fiercely independent; not willing to give up my life for just anyone and anything. (Was telling God that my future husband better be a strong person to be able to deal with this part of me. hahahaha.) 


In the world, these are traits that are treasured and exalted even, but in the world of God-chasers... this is what God asks of us daily- SUBMIT. SURRENDER. GIVE UP. SACRIFICE. OBEY. WORSHIP. FALL ON YOUR FACE/ KNEES DAILY. "The foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom." 1 Corinthians 1:25 


Daddy was talking with me today (after I met him to bail him out of a parking lot that didn't like his cashcard. LOL. sounds familiar...) at the coffee shop near my house about love. He told me he is looking forward to spending HTHT with you, love and he really wants to talk to you about life. =) But he also told me this:


"Love cannot be based upon just feelings. It has to be a rational decision making process that arrived to the point that we came to already, cause when the endorphins and hormones wear off, will you be able to spend your life living with this person that you profess to love now? A jewish rabbi did research on all the couples of the bible and saw that whenever the word "love" (eros) was involved, all of the relationships got messed up. But he noticed that nothing was said about loving couples who endured. Adam and Eve (I said this one, they no choice la) Abraham and Sarah. Issac and Rebekah, etc... 


Interesting food for thought. (as soon as dad tells me more, I will update. LOL!)


But love, please let me reassure you. Although your time of preparation is longer cause you started later than I did, I know that God will shorten the time you have to learn these lessons. "If the Lord had not cut short those days, no one would be saved. But for the sake of the elect whom He has chosen, He has shortened those days." Mark 13:20 And dearest heart, you have done exceedingly well by putting in the boundaries and setting the tone and direction of our relationship. I respect you and thank you for doing that for me when I was not thinking. Thank you for your strength. I have always appreciated that about you. You have always been gentle but firm with me (i.e. telling me not to rush into my job, take things easy, seek the face of God)


Thank you. You know I still covet your prayers; daily.


Lifestyle


One thing that I am eternally grateful to God for has been the nature of my job.Flexi and agile. I am now spending more time with my family because of my job then I ever had as a student at SMU. Seriously. Everything consumed me and I wasn't paying attention to the most important mission of my life- "Honour your mother and your father" and "I SENT YOU TO YOUR FAMILY." So here I am, Lord- send me. 


I have more time to hang out with my little brother now. Who is one of the most beautiful hearts in a boy you'll ever know. He is sensitive and caring towards everyone...and now that I'm attached, apparently I just upped my "cool" factor in his eyes. hahaha. He sees and observes but he also does. He has been crashing my room and sitting on my bed to talk, he synced my ipad while I was asleep and uploaded all my music into is. He looks after me and tells me not to spend more on him unnecessarily, etc. I love him. And yes, his soul and mine were missing each other because of the busyness of life. 


I cannot allow that to disappear. He needs me now. =)


Another thing I noticed was the absolute no change in my ministry. LOL. God was still sending me to meet people and to reach out to my friends. hahaha. It's consistent and fair of God that He puts me in weird and awkward situations but then He is there to guide me through them all with what to do and say. *excites*


I miss the USA dearies! I hope to be able to come up to you guys soon! <3


Live like you were dying


A couple of weeks back, I blogged about this. And I blogged about how we need to live with the end in mind. I just didn't realise how God used it both as a catalyst for dearest and I to get together, but also as a lesson He chooses to keep reinforcing to me.


I just found out today that my sweet, brilliant, smiley, handsome boss is dying. Of HIV. The ultimate challenge  of humanity is the AIDS virus. No medication can kill it and there is no way to delay death. Once a person finds out he/ she is infected, they have exactly 20 years left on this earth. 


That is why he started SLOAN. He wanted to make a difference and right all his wrongs and heal from the wounds he was inflicted upon by his parents. 


This is also the biggest challenge (I LOVE IT) to Esther's healing ministry. That I would be able to walk in miracles and walk with God enough to be able to be a channel of God's healing and restoration to his life. He won't have to die. He will live and proclaim that Jesus is Lord and Saviour. The AIDS virus is the only way that man can realise that God heals. There is no human cure for it. Only God can heal and only God can save. 


Start praying with me. I am beginning to see where God is taking me with ministry and His promises to me about launching me in 2-3 years time. 


Oh and when God told me "within a year you will meet the right man for you" I didn't realise it'd be within a month. LOL! <3 


Remember this dear loved ones.


1 Peter 4:7-9 "7 The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray. 8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a 
multitude of sins. 9 Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling."