I am glad I spent time with the family in prayer and long walks last night. It reinforced my perspective that God is a good God. And that no matter what the sin, "Love covers over a multitude of sin." People should just never do it again after repenting. It is like returning to vomit. Thinking about sin over and over and over again also is like rehearsing the acid reflux function and incredibly unhealthy. Hahaha.
Thank you amie for faithfully calling to check up on me. Yes, I am in pain. 2 and a half days of crying still seems like it is not enough...BUT! I have a hope and a future. ^_^ and your love and support. I have the love and support of so many others as well that i started crying because I could feel the love of God and it trumped the pain.
The bible verse on my phone this morning was 1 Cor 4-6. Where God was reminding me about waiting on Him again. But God also used it to chastise me for not practicing what I preach. "it is not rude, not self seeking..." yup. I wasn't being fair to him nor sensitive to how he must be feeling right now.
It is HIS choice to take up the cross and leave me...and I have no right to make any demands on him. That is love. It is sacrifice. It is believing in another person (always trusts) and giving him the room to grow (always protects - his identity as a person) It is letting go. =)
In this time I have been reassured of God's great love for me. Which were his prayers for me but also through the lives of the friends in my life. The emails, messages, whatsapps, facebook posts are amazing. Really what you sow you do reap back, albeit in God's timing.
I am an open book and the pages of my life will be read by people both in my joys and in my sorrows. Lifestyle evangelism is this- people will look to how you respond, both in times of celebration as well as in times of crisis. I volunteered for the job. I volunteered to be transparent before God and man. And I cannot complain that I wasn't forewarned of its costs or what it demands of me. Total and complete surrender to the will and call of God.
I decided that today will be a new chapter in my life. I am free to be in my season of perfumes and cosmetics by cutting you free from my soul and letting you go. "The Joy of the Lord is my strength."
You chose this road and I cannot complain of any injustice or unfairness (although Papa God spoke to me about 1 Sam 24:12 and I asked him for mercy) that has been given me. I wished that you had fought for me...I really do. To have sought the Lord and not feel the weight of the guilt and the sin that we had committed to be able to fight for me, for us...you had signs given to you too- 100m above sea level, "confidence for the future", spiritual connections that we tested in ipoh and singapore, when praying with moses and xu tong you said that you were not meant to be alone that you and I were meant to be ministering together... Being soulmates meant that you would fight, you gave me that assurance. I don't know what you must've faced and struggled through to feel so condemned while seeking God...And well...although you didn't fight for me, I understand.
I don't understand everything, but I understand enough...knowing you and how, like me, every little thing holds significance and almost everything reminds me of you and the time we had together as friends- not even lovers. I still dream about you and the dreams are vivid and colourful, beautiful and bright...It is difficult. It will be difficult for sometime more...But "at all times I will bless Him, His praise will be in my mouth." I thank God for you being in my life. And God is my warrior, my protector and defender- not you. Do not worry.
I know we are not communicating, but I pray if you have the chance to read this, know that you already found your source of joy in this great trial- His name is Jesus Christ and all the physical, emotional and financial blessings you have were GIVEN to you because He loved you.
In His Great love, as always.
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