My Destiny

‎"Sometimes pain is necessary for us to feel that we're alive. it reminds us that there was good, which has now turned bad. but the potential for that bad to turn into better comes with deciding to let the current pain shape our decisions and eventually, our future.

The heart unfortunately, bears most of that pain in our lives...but it's also your heart, when healed, that is able to bring out the beauty in another's; which has probably also felt much pain before meeting yours."


In my process of healing, I went through a lot of thoughts. Namely, guilt; shame, anger...self-blame...


I found myself thinking if I really was THAT unworthy of you for you to have changed your mind 180 degrees in ONE day and in four days, ex-communicate me from your life. Was I a poison, a disease, a virus, a plague, a temptress, a seductress that required you to "flee from me" completely? You had said we should bear these things TOGETHER. The consequences of our decisions together; but felt that I was unworthy of defending and fighting for you to throw me overboard so quickly. 


I was sinking lower as I thought through these things. "My best friend thought these to be true of me." He thought that I was not worthy of fighting for. Not worthy of cherishing, of keeping his  promises to  me. Not worthy of respect or honour. Not even worthy of the simple act of meeting up face to face to explain why he changed so drastically in a day. What had I done? 


Was everyone I prayed with WRONG? Was I WRONG in hearing the voice of God? Were EVERY SINGLE intercessor and prophet in my life WRONG? Were my parents WRONG? Was I WRONG? 


This was the first time I got disciplined by the Holy Spirit directly. I heard His fierce "NO!" He had showed up again in my room, with His sword drawn and in full military regalia- He looked at me with tears in His eyes and said simply "I LOVE YOU" 


Psalm 139 talks about one of the most intimate moments our creator has ever known- creating us and knowing us while we were unformed in our mother's womb. This is something that has resounded in me since then. "I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and my soul knows full well"


It is amazing to be loved. And loved so deeply from the depths of your being that you know your future and destiny is bright in the Lord. He erases all self-doubts from your soul. He lifts you up to new heights, he teaches us how to walk on water in the worst weather conditions. And...He renews His covenant with me as I sought Him in my pain. 


Queen Esther's covenant is simply this- Favour. And as I sought the Lord once again for His reassurance and strength, He answered me. He promised me "double for my trouble". =) And He is indeed more than what any man or friend can ever be to me in this life. 


Isaiah 61- The Year of the Lord's favour

 ¹The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;
 ²To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;
 ³To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.
 ⁴And they shall build the old wastes, they shall raise up the former desolations, and they shall repair the waste cities, the desolations of many generations.
 ⁵And strangers shall stand and feed your flocks, and the sons of the alien shall be your plowmen and your vinedressers.
 ⁶But ye shall be named the Priests of the LORD: men shall call you the Ministers of our God: ye shall eat the riches of the Gentiles, and in their glory shall ye boast yourselves.
 ⁷For your shame ye shall have double; and for confusion they shall rejoice in their portion: therefore in their land they shall possess the double: everlasting joy shall be unto them.
 ⁸For I the LORD love judgment, I hate robbery for burnt offering; and I will direct their work in truth, and I will make an everlasting covenant with them.
 ⁹And their seed shall be known among the Gentiles, and their offspring among the people: all that see them shall acknowledge them, that they are the seed which the LORD hath blessed.
 ¹⁰I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for he hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decketh himself with ornaments, and as a bride adorneth herself with her jewels.
 ¹¹For as the earth bringeth forth her bud, and as the garden causeth the things that are sown in it to spring forth; so the Lord GOD will cause righteousness and praise to spring forth before all the nations.

My stand still remains, if I have to remain single to serve the Lord in my lifetime, so be it. If I get married, so be it. But I knew for sure when I entered that relationship with you. I had the confirmations from 11 double-bind tests from separate individuals on separate occasions (only 2 are needed in the medical and scientific world; and I had 11- some even with you and what YOU yourself said). But now that the decision has been made, I will not turn back anymore; I am resolute. God is capable of rewriting our destinies- every time a backslider comes back to the Lord, their destinies become renewed; their destinies are not destroyed.That is because of His mercy, love and grace on our lives- that is the law of liberty. He will look after mine. I surrender it to Him and I will not try to write it on my own. No man can write or rewrite, divine or predict their own destinies, only Papa God can. 


And there is no way that man will ever be able to destroy another person's destiny, unless they walk separately from the true vine. "I am the vine and you are the branches, if any man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit, apart from me, he can do nothing." The bible is so clear about these things and so I am assured."You will know them by their fruits." It would have hurt so much less if you had given me a human reason first. "Hey Esther, I don't like you and I am unsure of how this relationship will pan out." or "My parents don't like you and they think you are unacceptable." or "I don't think you're good enough for me."  I would've been able to deal with all of that, not starting a message with "Jesus says no"


Yes, I created a mess (with you) but we could have, should have worked it out TOGETHER. Love is not a word to be played around with. It is the most powerful concept in the whole kingdom of God. It is what binds us together in Christ and at the same time frees us in God's new covenant with us as Christians.


But He has turned my mourning into dancing again and my sorrow into joy. ^_^ After the rain comes the sunshine. The natural order of things ensures that there is hope in this lifetime. =) 




"For where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is LIBERTY" and He gave us free will to be able to choose the course we should take in life. He never imposes His will or forces us through guilt towards a target. I thank God that despite all the things thrown at me, "because of grace, because of Your mercy, I stand here unashamed."   





I have not much
To offer You
Not near what You deserve
But still I come
Because Your cross
Has placed in me my worth

Oh, Christ my King
Of sympathy
Whose wounds secure my peace
Your grace extends
To call me friend
Your mercy sets me free

And I know I'm weak
I know I'm unworthy
To call upon Your name
But because of grace
Because of Your mercy
I stand here unashamed

I can't explain
This kind of love
I'm humbled and amazed
That You'd come down
From heavens heights
And greet me face to face

Here I am at Your feet
In my brokeness complete