Trust Issues

Time alone has made me realise that I have major trust issues.
I think what a friend has told me has inadvertently come back to haunt me. =S
"Esther, you're not a difficult person to love. You just make things difficult." 


But I'm a work in progress right? 
It's not like I can change it over night.
I'm trying to, though- change. 


I think that's what makes me so careful about friends and plans and schedules and rules and regulations and... my heart. I can't give my heart to people I don't trust. And even then, I hide away things when I know I should share... It hit me this week that when I shared my career options with my friends and family and they picked my own favoured choice, I couldn't even accept it. 


It was weird. It was almost everything was handed on a silver platter to me, but I just wasn't willing to accept it. Wasn't willing to believe that I could take it. Wasn't sure that God was using (a rather odd) but amazing door to train me to handle more. 


I just couldn't accept it, and I don't know why my heart felt like it had sunk into the bottom of my stomach. What was I even scared of?


It was odd to think that everything that I had preached about in the last one month was coming back as a double edged sword to me. Fear of success...fear of failure...I'm not good enough? What if I can't handle it? 


And why was I even feeling like I'm guilty? Why was I even condemning myself for this? "Don't think." hahaha. Alone time = thinking time. Argh. 


And I was struggling against how people perceive me. Pride. Power. Status. Would people think "she just wasted 4 years of her life on that degree for THIS?"  Talk about angst. Complicated emotions. And God's plans for my life. He has a 1 year, 2 year and 3 year plan and I'm being stupid worrying myself into a corner. Why?


It seemed as though I don't trust enough. Don't trust myself, other people...and God? "But you've just tasted His goodness." I know! And I have no idea why I can't even do that!!!


Help? I need to break free of the self-constructed torture cells. I need to learn to trust again. 


oh and haha. I just realised today that my blog is public access and that I need to increase its security due to the fact that I share some major stuff about my life on here. So I'm adding a password/ list of readers instead. =P