Strong Enough

As I rest against this cold hard wall

Oh will you pass me by?

Will you criticise me as I sit and cry?

I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won

Only to find the war has just begun

Is He not strong enough?

Is He not pure enough?

To break me, pour me out and start again?

Is He not brave enough to take one chance on me?

Please can I have one chance to start again?

Will my weakness for an hour make me suffer for a lifetime?

Is there anyway to be made whole again?

If I'm healed, renewed and find forgiveness

Find the strength I never had

Will my scars forever ruin all God's plans?

Is He not strong enough?

Is He not pure enough?

To break me, pour me out and start again?

Is He not brave enough to take one chance on me?

Please can I have one chance to start again?

He took my life into His hands and turned it all around

In my most desperate circumstance

It's there I finally found...

That You were strong enough

That You were pure enough

To break me, pour me out and start again

That You were brave enough to take one chance on me

Oh Thank You for my chance to start again.

DISAPPOINTED doesn't even begin to describe how I feel at this point in time.

Emotionally, I'm drained. There is so much that has been going on, I don't know where to start. But I will.

It started on Friday night, a few harmless words..heck..even I said them of myself before..but it triggered an avalanche of hurt coming back to me...10 years of insults and teasing and bad mouthing... OUCH. Thank God for Mel and my sister. Saturday morning woke up to an apology and cried my eyes out again- with my mum breaking inner vows. Then school-felt numb and concentrated on Bio. Went hotel scouting and choked back emotions till I reached home..and then another round of inner healing with dad. Cried my eyes (and eyelashes) out again and again. Church. Dinner. Prayer for a family friend in ICU. Heard a bit about a party-felt immediate oppression with spirits of wickedness and evil identified. Some of the party-goers could feel it too. Cried somemore when God flushed stuff out. Slept at 5am.

Woke up today feeling relatively good. Brunch. Bath. School-to lock up the classroom. messy room with chairs everywhere. Went marketing. Came back home and called a friend. That's when it started hurting again. He told me what happened at the party. I can't do this anymore... It hurts so badly to be giving and giving (Clarence, if you're reading this...I have tried my hardest) and loving people who do nothing more than mock you and hate you. And then there are the ppl who we teach the ways of God. That hurts more. I'm a PK, I know this business called love... you give till it hurts and then you give up your life for someone who may throw it to the wind.

WHY!?! WHY!?! Why did you have to do that? After we talked and you said you'd try...WAS THAT EVEN TRYING? You hurt so many of us...so so so many brothers and SISTERS in christ. And we love you for who you are. Do you think those who get you piss drunk, high and stoned love you? Do they keep you in prayer round the clock when you falter? Do they cry for you when they feel your hurts? Do they? We do. We love, we give (I don't have the most money in the world to buy you expensive gifts), we teach, we cry and we pray. Don't you see? You're not being tied down!!!! You're being set free within the rules and laws that God made for us. You're being set free...IN LOVE. How can you not think of us everytime you try to do anything hurtful to yourself. We defend your reputation. We stand up for you. We show you the power of the cross. What else is necessary for you to know that we DO LOVE YOU? And if not for our sakes- FOR GOD'S SAKE. He'd bankrupt the whole universe just for you. He send his ONLY SON to die the most horrific death possible so that we would know he loves us. And you didn't think of him? WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WEAR AROUND YOUR NECK? Jewelery?

Lord, I give you my life. It's times like these when I know my trust and my hope is in You. That friends may fail us, that people we love may throw the love we give back in our faces, but that Lord, you are the true lover of our souls. You are the centre of it all. Lord, I know that this period of time You're putting me through is a period of refining for Your Glory. Help Us Lord Jesus.