Chapters of my life:
I started this blog as a place to share my life and testimony.
We all walk this road with Christ, but we are not meant to walk it alone.
I pray that my words here will encourage and uplift you even as they reflect the One who is the author and finisher of my faith.
The blog address is taken from one of my favourite songs "Above All".
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"
-Psalm 147:2
Scars (Stronger For Life) Lyrics
I just want to run
Just want to hide away
Close my eyes to your gaze
Just want to leave
Don't want to hear them say
"You're no good at this"
When the world swirls with naysayers
Broken wings and torn pages
The road ahead
Drowning in my tears
Break me open
Tear me down
Into pieces
Broken crumbs
On the ground
You can mould and shape me
In Your image
Breathe Your life
You know I need it
Scars make us stronger for life
Losing myself
Gaining it back again
Forging strength from weakness
All that I am
All that I'm meant to be
Melting in Your hand
Let the world swirl with naysayers
Pickled hearts and sour faces
What is real is what I cannot see
Break me open
Tear me down
Into pieces
Broken crumbs
On the ground
You can mould and shape me
In Your image
Breathe Your life
You know I need it
Scars make us stronger for life
Cut away
All within me
That won't bear fruit
Cut away
All within me
Cut away
All within me
That won't bear fruit
Cut away
All within me
Break me open
Tear me down
Into pieces
Broken crumbs
On the ground
You can mould and shape me
In Your image
Breathe Your life
You know I need it
Scars make us stronger
"I've heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we are led to those who help us most to grow, if we let them and we help them in return."
It's interesting how this song has been on repeat for me. (owing to the fact that Lydia started it)
But this week has been a week of struggling through for me.
Learning to live on one's own, i.e. AWAY from it all... is both exciting and challenging. And right now, it's the challenging part. A bit of emo-ness from separation, a bit of confusion at the culture, a bit of wanting to see people I really love face to face and not through the video camera or through pictures, a bit of wanting something more... but not knowing what it is...
Even so, there are lessons to be learnt.
I had no idea why I'm in Korea, to be honest. I wanted to go to the USA, Australia or to the UK, Ireland- countries where the language would not be a barrier. And where I would be staying with family friends or family to help ease me into a culture. Places I knew I would excel and do well, explore and run free.
I always thought I was so adventurous and daring. A new place, a new face, a new culture would be okay for me. But, I realised that I found myself to be cowardly and lazy and ended up disliking parts of myself I thought I had conquered previously.
I can only say that it's an awesome time of self-discovery.
1. I always thought I was able to cope with mixing around with everyone and be fine. But guess what? I need my close friends and quiet times a lot more than I had previously valued it. I found myself adventurous as long as I had someone else to do it with; which is a big difference from thinking I was independent and capable of taking initiative.
2. I'm learning to become more determined in my goals. I wanted to come to Korea to break through in a couple of my own physical barriers. And this in itself is difficult. The prioritising and making sure I complete the task is a lot harder than I thought. I constantly have to find my motivating factor in order to ignore curious and sometimes critical glances as I go about trying to change myself. It is so much easier in Singapore, I guarantee you.
3. I'm learning that the content and the depth of the thought process matters a lot. People in Sogang really study HARD to EARN the knowledge, not just to pass a course- like in SMU. It's a different mindset. They're out to change things around them. Which has now resulted in all the exchange students really taking our courses seriously. To pass for SMU is a C which is a 65. In Sogang, it's one full grade up. 75 is a C. So I need to score at least 75 for all my courses in order to clear them in SMU. =_="
4. Quiet time is uncomfortable but necessary. I face a lot of alone time here, unlike at home being inundated with information and people all the time. It is uncomfortable cause I have no clue who to "help" or "do things" for. Then I realise, I have been neglecting the Holy Spirit and my time with God while being so busy. Try monitoring your thoughts for a day and see if you can focus only on Him. =S it's really difficult if you don't love Him truly. hahaha. And guess what, it tests the condition of my heart.
Church: I visited the Every Nation Church Korea this last weekend. I felt so much for Pastors Simon and Kristen. Pastor Simon is a legend, but he never publicises it. His heart for the ministry is amazing. They came all the way from the USA to help north korean orphans whose mothers got killed crossing the border from North Korea. Not only that, they have hushed shelters housing north korean refugees in China and one got busted recently. Can you imagine how much trust and faith they have to have in the Lord for all of these things to go well? They are really wonderful people.
Even then, you could see the stresses and strains. As a Minister's kid, you understand the struggles of the family. They're native Korean and yet, they face the same issues we often do as a small group, when they were called from North Carolina to start a church in Korea- discrimmination. (will not go indepth here, skype me for full story)
They have three children (2 boys and a girl; one of them reminds me of you, Peter! then I started missing you and wanted to give him a hug)and I saw how they were like-just like how we were growing up. You can't help but feel love and compassion for the family. Once again, it's tough being the pastor's wife, but I could feel Pastor Kristen's fatigue and exhaustion living by faith. =) I so wanted to give that woman a hug.
We covered Genesis 22. And I had to control my tears so many times. The classic tale of Abraham having to obey God above all his human circumstances and feelings was a wake up call to me. Pastor Simon made a couple of points leap out at me in church.
1. Abraham had waited all his life for Issac. 100 years to be exact. 2. Isaac was Abraham's ONLY CHILD. can you imagine how much he was loved? 3. When they headed out to Mount Moriah, it was a 3 day journey. Can you imagine how much father-son bonding was going on in those 3 days? 4. Abraham had so much faith in God that he believed God would look after Isaac no matter what. That even if Isaac was killed, God would be able to resurrect his son. 5. Isaac did not struggle. Isaac was 15-19 and Abraham was 115. He could have easily run away. But he didn't. He lived in absolute obedience to his father's will. (sounds familiar? Jesus knew the same thing) 6. Who was God trying to show Abraham's faith to? Isaac. So that the God of his father would become his OWN. (God doesn't have grandchildren, only sons and daughters) This was the day that Isaac saw the absolute faith and obedience his father had towards Jehovah. 7. Fathers and mothers or we when we become parents need to mirror this to our children; so that they will know our seriousness about following God. Only then, will children understand the seriousness of our faith; that we will give up EVERYTHING just to follow Jesus.
Wow. A lot to think about. A friend just asked me to get a mirror if I wanted to self-reflect! LOL!!! that was what I said last term! So funny! =) good la. God is working in my life. I'll see you amigos and chicas soon.
I've heard it said That people come into our lives for a reason Bringing something we must learn And we are led To those who help us most to grow If we let them And we help them in return Well, I don't know if I believe that's true But I know I'm who I am today Because I knew you... Like a comet pulled from orbit As it passes a sun Like a stream that meets a boulder Halfway through the wood Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you I have been changed for good It well may be That we will never meet again In this lifetime So let me say before we part So much of me Is made of what I learned from you You'll be with me Like a handprint on my heart And now whatever way our stories end I know you have re-written mine By being my friend... Like a ship blown from its mooring By a wind off the sea Like a seed dropped by a skybird In a distant wood Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you
I love love love this song! =) Thanks sister!!! Sam (the one on the left) has a better voice though. =)
I'm all scrubbed and clean, sitting on my bed on the last night pearlyn and I will be in the guesthouse having a Kpop faceoff.
It's time for a full recap of activities and observations. Korea days 0-3
Day 0
Flew from Singapore at 7.40am and arrived in bangkok, flew off to Hong Kong at 10.40am (BKK time) and then from HK to Incheon at 3.15pm.
Arrived at 8.40pm and waited for baggage. Small balagan- my immigrations slip slipped out at immigrations so I had to go and fill another out.
Cleared my baggage really quickly. My buddy was super sweet. Jeong Eun, a physics major, came to get me at the airport and for a second I felt I had my own fan club. LOL.
She had written my name on a placard with "SOGANG UNIVERSITY- WELCOME TO KOREA" and stood there looking worried about me not showing up. She's awfully funny. She's also taking classes under CL's dad in Sogang.
Took an hour's bus ride from Incheon to Hongdae and then a cab to the guesthouse.
Met the whole crew at the guesthouse and settled in quickly.
Day 1
skype video call by jeremy in hk.
Found our own way to Sinchon station to meet Rachel and Chloe. hee hee. Chloe flew down the stairs to hug me. I was super happy to see her also. =)))) Had lunch in Sinchon and visited our campus for the first time. Rachel took us around Ee dae, near the women's university. Bought my first thing ever in Korea- Chloe's flat sandals. hahahaha! The crazy one came to meet us in heels.=_="
Headed to Hongdae after that to explore and came round to Japanese dinner of Charashi Don and udon soup, without the udon- just the soup. It keeps people warm on a rainy day.
And we've been getting loads of rain here. Wandered back to the guesthouse and got lost for a bit before bumping into another taiwanese couple staying at the same guesthouse.
I think the wonderful thing about my trip so far has been the people I've met while staying in the guesthouse. It's honestly been a bit of a stretch for me about mingling after my "switch off hours"; which is after a long day out and I did not have my hot shower yet. But I love it. =) our exchange of stories, jokes and experiences has been priceless to me. =)
Became quite close to the canadian, irish, french and swedish guys and the other swedish girl Fanny plus Suji the korean girl on holiday from Gwangju. =)
Love the mixture and melting of cultures. =P
Day 2-
Morning emo call by kenny wong wei han from paris. haha.
Pearlyn and I had to meet Fanny and Jeffrey (the Canadian guy) in the afternoon at 1.30pm to meet Chloe at 2pm at Hapjeong for our cellphones.
So we wandered out for ourselves for the first time since we got to Korea and learnt how to get to Samseong (about 14 stops away from Hongik) where we walked into a ulu corner and had brunch. The lady told us we looked korean and that sent pearlyn over the moon. She also proceeded to tell us we were pretty and filled up my water bottle for me. LOL.
By the time we checked the watch, it was 12.30 and time to head back to the guesthouse to bring out the rest. Ended up running back there. =) Got to hapjeong station at 2.15. Chloe turned up and I GOT MY KOREAN LINE! woot! Got a free charger and battery as well. =)
We then headed off to Gwanghwamun (chloe, jeffrey, pearl and I) where we visited one of the best museums I have ever been to in my life. =) we did calligraphy and an arcade game, tried rowing an ancient boat and had a lot of fun.
A short walk from there to the actual restored gwanghwamun gate and through a photography exhibition was really interesting and educational. had dinner (bibimbap for me) We then headed to the cheonggyecheon stream (FAVOURITED IT ALREADY) and played around with the street pictures + the actual stream.
We then headed back on our own to Hongik Station, saying goodbye to Chloe and had a good time eating the remaining Custard Buns in the shape of corn cobs. hahaha. it so funny watching jeffrey spazz out over them. We returned and fed the rest of our guesthouse mates. ^^
Skype date with Lyddie and mummy. <3 I love and miss you all very much.
Day 3
Skype video call by jeremy in HK. LOL. eh. you're becoming good friends with pearlyn at this rate.
Pearlyn and I did laundry and met the new girls from Greece.
Headed out to Dongdaemun on our own to meet up with Rachel and met Dominic (another SMU student) , had lunch.Wandered around in the pouring rain in Dongdaemun and wandered into the shoes market where pearlyn and I decided not to suffer through puddles anymore and bought rain boots. =) The guy was nice to us and helped us find out what korea shoe size we were. My boots cost me Singapore $13. =) hee hee.
Headed to the stationery and toy market after that. Bought a $5 wallet that had a map on it. lol. THERE WERE SUPER CUTE PUPPIES BEING SOLD IN A CARDBOARD BOX! *ahhhhh!!!*
Had dinner at a korean chinese restaurant, where I tried jyang jyang myun. =) VERY GOOD MEAL! *rachel agrees*
Accompanied rachel back to sinchon to walk around ee dae and then to check out her apartment.
back to hongik on our own to pack up for the big move tomorrow! =) dried our clothes with a hairdryer and charged everything. Ready to go!
Some reflections:
1.Seoul is really a cross between tel aviv and taiwan; and it's very dirty and polluted. I really enjoy my showers here. 2. The summers here are crazy. Could not imagine any place MORE humid than Singapore. Just found it. I keep thinking of a shower whilst running around Seoul. 3. The people here are not ALL skinny and thin as previously assumed. They are however, more conscious of dressing well and looking after their skin. Sooo pale over here. I'm considered "burnt" by their standards. LOL. 4. Subways are a way of life; everything is organised around them. I know why their legs are so skinny now; I think I'll lose weight getting from one destination to another in Seoul. hahaha. 5. There is food EVERYWHERE (it's asia). And it ranges from 1000W to 7000W for a decent meal here. (Singapore $2-$9) 6. Cost of living here is really high. 7. Dongdaemun doesn't have the cheapest stuff. School districts like Sinchon and Hongdae have more affordably priced items which are in fashion. (validated. compared it today) 8. Consumerism is rife here. It's super scary. Brands and image mean everything.
It's the COMPANY that matters, not the place. No matter where you are, ever. =) And I need to spend more time with God.
I was struck by the fact that time has indeed flown by.
I sent the handover and goodbye emails today and got a series of funny responses from the people i work with. When you set out to make a difference, the outcomes are truly different.
I noticed the changes today. It's amazing how people recognise that you tried your best and that your work impacted the organisation.
The last 3 months at unilever have been awesome. I pushed myself hard and got results I never thought I would see.
I walked back into the house after a good evening and into a "crisis" situation of sorts.
Which meant one thing- the family was gathered to pray once again.
"I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all Your works and consider what Your hands have done" Psalm 145: 4
You will preserve us O Lord and You alone will lead us through the fire again.
Jehovah Jireh, You are our provider.
You are MORE THAN ENOUGH for me.
Psalm 121 (King James Version)
Psalm 121
1I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. 2My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth. 3He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber. 4Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. 5The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand. 6The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night. 7The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul. 8The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.
I decided to dedicate this song to Sher Sher and Wong Wei Han. =)
Running through my head:
Trying to get to sleep with a stuffy nose and higher than normal body temperature is not as easy as it seems. LOL. But I will get there eventually.
Time off to think has resulted in very interesting thought bubbles.
Someone once asked me what love was to me. (I believe it was you, wwh)
I remember I always answer with 1 Corinthians 13. =) and yes after thinking about it, I still stand with my answer.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I find it interesting as to why it has to start off with "love is patient". More often than not, patience is the true indicator as to whether a relationship or a friendship will work out. I know that friendships that I've had for more than 7 years (GASP! so long already?) i.e. 10-14 year friendships were the result of patiently waiting for each other, tolerating long periods of absences (i.e. sheryl baey... ^^) and well, looking at a person's season. (the "IN" word now because of you, koh yu ren)
I can honestly say that it SEEMED as though my first relationship was right. It FELT right for a period of time. But guess what? The patience required to work it through was not there. And when we walk with God, we realise these matters quicker than you can say "SEASON".
But I'm glad for that experience. I think it taught me a lot about the character of God. He'll let you do it, to discover for yourself that what He said previously was right. LOL. It taught me a lot about my reactions to situations and circumstances too. And I realise that I became more guarded about everything after that first relationship. The ability to let myself just be myself in the presence of someone I admired/ liked became exceedingly difficult. But that was what 3 years of time and distance apart did to me, and also to him. Which totally did not keep with "Love always trusts"; and resulted in the eventual drifting apart.
Someone once told me, many moons back that "we're meant to be together, NOW". I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. So, if we're meant to be together NOW, it meant that in the future we weren't? LOL. The sad thing was, I kinda liked him back a little and almost deluded myself into thinking through it. =) thank God for sisters and friends who care.
Life experiences with relationships taught me a lot about myself. Very importantly, it made me realise what I most definitely DID NOT want in a relationship. And the first thing I knew I didn't want was a relationship where two people are so awkward with each other, almost as if there were barriers that were erected along the way that was a result of unspoken words and thoughts and feelings. Most of the time though, it was my fault, cause I put them there first to protect myself from being hurt (again).
When I was praying with Tim this week, we talked about lessons we're learning from our parents; one of them was the fact that "Love keeps no record of wrongs". The ability to forgive, and to continuously do it by examining our hearts is very important to help heal and bridge gaps. We've learnt that old, unresolved wounds fester and bleed into the future. It's better to resolve something upfront in the present rather than keep it quiet/ sweep it under a rug and ignore it.
I've also realised that another aspect of love is that fact is that it is not "easily angered". I realised that, just as the bible says, my tongue needs to be bridled. It is a dangerous weapon- both in the good and bad sense. Used with the wrong intentions or context and it can kill or destroy. Used right and it can protect and defend love. It is interesting as to how people can so easily forget this in relationships. After the "honeymoon" period, a lot of couples I know used this weapon in the former rather than latter way.
I realise that I'm still learning. =P
And that having friends who tell you things like "you need friends who pray seriously and earnestly about the relationships in your life. I pray for you about this!" (thank you ellie!) really helps. Ellie also taught me something interesting; what her cell leader said to her about relationships. "The girl's role is always to wait and pray, she has to be diligent in doing her tasks until the right time and right person comes into her life. The guy's role is to learn to take up the courage to ask when he's done all his cross checking with God and his community. If both parties only wait, nothing happens. In the same way, if both parties chiong, that's when a trail of broken hearts are left behind".
There is a form of mutual understanding between God and me and my community. =) Which I like. Godly Counsel will confirm if it is indeed my season for the various things in my life. And I've always checked. Mummy and Daddy have been 99.5% accurate most of the time about friends, my life (and also about relationships). So thank you! (Fluffy and pretz too. =S)
In a separate issue, lately I've been feeling that the season of drought in my life is over. I have begun to feel the fresh rain of the Holy Spirit once again. This restoration is beyond what I've ever experienced in times past. It's been happening to me on three levels; physically, financially and emotionally.
But *note to self*, knowing when to flower in Spring is important too. (Or season a chicken. Or when to drink Seasons Ice Tea. Or when the season parking expires. hahahaha.) being in the right place at the wrong time is still wrong. LOL.
I need to sleep. I need to get well quick. I need a spa day. I need a massage. And I most definitely need You, Jesus. More than the air that I breathe. You are my first love.
